On October 9th I edited out the following section from that day’s post titled, ” I’m molting…” At the time, I knew and was dreading what was coming, but I felt to say it publicly was too much. The depression hit the next day when I woke up to the first anniversary of my father’s death, October 10, 2014. However, since I posted I have seen that many people online are communicating about Depression and SAD, especially on Facebook. So I decided to go back and read what I had censored.
Every so often I have to ask my self what do I believe. What beliefs do I hold? Why do I still hold them? And what in the end how will I have evolved? So not only am I going through my clothes, and pitching the raggedy for moving, I am asking myself, ” Do I want to take this interest, attitude or belief with me into my new life?” Changing where and how you will live in the world, even from one home to another, starts this check list running.
I am going to have a great deal of solitude and time on my hands and arriving right when my depression starts seasonally. I had hoped to avoid it, but it is what it is. So being an old crone of a bipolar, I know that means I need it tidy and to stay out of bed.
I need to take my anti-depressants and to force myself to get cleaned up and dressed every morning. To have an established routine and some projects to get lost in.
My sleep, cadence, my internal clock will get completely out of whack. I need sunlight and exercise and a dark environment about 5 hours sooner than most, so I fall asleep at a normal time.
I will have memory loss, confusion, aches and pains. I will be standing in the middle of the room wondering where I was headed several times a day? I will have days where I will lose the battle and shut down for 3 or 4 days rising for only what is necessary. Pets. Children. Bathroom. In all my life I never not won the war against depression.
This last year has been full of grief, loss and crying jags. So I am trying to be settled and well prepared that this year might be rougher than most.
I did not get any of that done. I am not in my home. I have several more things to file. I did not beat the clock I am depressed. And yes it is rougher than most years. Until I went back and re-read what I kept on file, I was feeling really disappointed and critical of myself and judgmental about what I have yet to accomplish.
I am glad I saved it, it is good stuff. And yes, I do see that I have made a lot of progress on what I believe and the attitudes I want to take with me. Perhaps even glimmers of what my work and new life might end up being about. I was smart enough to know what was coming and to leave myself a good check list. Always the girl scout, be prepared.
For all those swimming off shore who are finding themselves once again in the deep, safe journey and may you find a way to make the most of it!.