I don’t think I have ever had a harder time in my life with temperance. Tempering my thoughts, words and actions is a big challenge.. I have a history of being too patient and understanding to the degree of being told I was excusing too much. I don’t know if it is an age thing or has to do with the duration of how long a person has held a belief or felt something to be right or true? Am I becoming a crotchety old woman? Or has time erased the middle ground, the shades of gray and I have become accustom to that absence?
I have always believed that dissatisfaction with self is necessary tipping point to change. You have to hit a certain level of discomfort to do something about it. I have arrived at extreme discomfort. I am trying to make the necessary shifts but not producing much effect beyond deepening my discomfort and feeling embarrassed by my own responses to the whole thing.
I question if I have become extreme, narrow minded, uncompromising? Have I allowed the anger on line to make me an angry person? Have I lost my capacity to hear to the wanting to be heard above the rants? I don’t know. I just know that whatever it is I am not happy about it… this is not how I want to be, because it is not who I have been.
I question if it is the results of world wide escalating injustices, corruptions and tragic consequences? So little is reported when it is a known agenda or problem that could be brought to public attention. I feel like we are deprived of the opportunity to take any actions that would prevent or lessen the negative impact. Riots and protests and lawsuits get coverage, but what caused it was going on for a very long time without being brought to public attention.
What ever it is? I am stewing in it, knowing I can not change whatever it is that I have allowed to change me but I have to find a way to become right with myself.